


Towards the End of Time

by EidolonLathi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2020-05-31 11:17:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19424884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EidolonLathi/pseuds/EidolonLathi
Summary: Being on the receiving end of a difficult decision Erwin is facing the challenge of adapting to his new life as a titan-shifter. Faced with this changed reality the world and people familiar to him start appearing in a new light, his connection with Hanji included.A story set in a reality where it was Erwin who received the injection.





	1. Horizons

“It hurts.”

A dull string of words kept reaching Erwin's ears, over and over again. The monotonous timbre of the sentence was feeling so detached from the dull tension in his mind that he needed a while to figure out the meaning of the sound reaching him: “It hurts.”

Well, that made kind of sense. Erwin had trouble explaining what had been causing it, but in the meanwhile he was pretty certain he had felt mind numbing pain some time before.

Though it was odd, now he was trying to pinpoint it, he couldn't say if he had felt that pain recently or a very long time ago. Now he was thinking about it, it might as well have been aeons.

Yes, everything felt kind of muddy and trying to figure out the circumstances he was in made thinking only more difficult.

“It hurts.”

Erwin turned his head towards the voice, now completely certain it wasn't he himself talking but someone else.

“It hurts.”

Erwin opened his eyes. Standing right next to him was the Colossal Titan. Except that he was too small, not being colossal at all. Something in the atmosphere of the space Erwin was currently in shifted and then it was no longer the Colossal Titan standing next to him but the source of it: Berthold.

Erwin's first urge was to secure the target. That was what everyone had been trying to do not too long a while ago, hadn't they? Trying to defeat the Colossal, the Armoured and the Beast titans, all three of them posing such a livid threat to humanity. But then realization hit Erwin: Though he still couldn't say where he was, he could tell with certainty that it was no place to give him the possibility to erase the titans threatening him.

But it also was no place allowing for Erwin to get injured, so he felt the tension leaving his body. Despite of this his sight never left Berthold. “What hurts?”, Erwin heard himself ask. He hadn't planned saying the question out aloud.

Berthold looked up from the place he was sitting on the floor in the meanwhile, expression in his eyes getting cautious and focused, as if he hadn't realized until now that this entire time he hadn't been alone. “Everything. Everything hurts”, Berthold finally said.

Erwin felt a lingering irritation getting a clearer shape in his mind. “Pain is something you have to prepare yourself for when deciding to participate in risky operations.” Only due to acute self-restrain he refrained from pointing out Berthold had cause pain for more than enough people himself.

Maybe Berthold had understood it anyway though. His eyes widened, a wounded expression appearing on his face.

Witnessing this display of emotion the thought crept into Erwin's mind how young the culprit in front of him was: Only just having finished the training course. And he had been even younger when he and his accomplices had sneaked into the walls, when they had started their attack on wall Maria, mere children who had initiated mass murder on that day. Who had sent them on this path of destruction to begin with? What place had deemed it a good idea to burden children this young with such a heavy task?

Erwin immediately chased the thought away. There were elements roaming the underground cities even younger who were perfectly capable to cause serious harm. Underestimating someone’s danger merely due to their age wouldn’t do.

“You should have been preparing yourself accordingly”, Erwin insisted, shaking his head and crossing his arm in front of his chest, allowing himself to express at least this much of the directionless exhaustion he was feeling about the situation.

Hearing this Berthold didn't look surprised. The light behind his eyes got resolute again. “I was prepared for this. I wasn't expecting to make it back home again, not really.” He averted his eyes, his thin face suddenly appearing haggard by the way the shadows were now falling on his features. “I'm just saying: Please don't punish other people for things that have been my fault. Please.”

Erwin paused. Again he had been confronted with words containing so many contradictions that he didn't know where to start. He wanted to say so, to ask Berthold what exactly he had meant with this, when the world around him shifted. Everything had suddenly gotten dark. He instantly knew that their light source had not simply ceased to be, no, by instinct Erwin knew that currently he was in another place and that he was completely alone now.

* * *

Hanji felt herself sway, and for a moment she was sure she would stumble, about to lose her balance for good. But then she found the energy to react, taking another step to balance out the dizziness trying to spread from her mind into her body.

Yes, she was beginning to feel a bit dizzy, Hanji had to admit that.

The empty space her eye had used to be hurt, pulsating with a sharp pain. And it also hurt to think about Moblit… she forbade herself to think about Moblit. Now was not the time. There was a time to think about the fallen ones and being in the middle of an ongoing operation was simply not the occasion for it.

Yes, Hanji was beginning to feel a bit dizzy. Things still had felt manageable until she had arrived back where Levi and the others were. Then they no longer had felt manageable when Floch had shown up, carrying an injured Erwin who already had been standing at the brink of death. And frankly, she had no idea how despite all of this she had found the strength left to hold back Mikasa, who had made the impression to be more than ready to cut everyone down standing between Armin and the injection.

Hanji felt a stab of irritation flare up in her stomach, just to supress it again. Just like thinking about the dead there was the right and the wrong time to feel upset about subordinates stepping out of line and now the issue had been dealt with the consequences could follow later. They were still on their mission outside of the wall and the situation they were in was dire. Besides, important was only that no one had in fact been cut down who had refused to let Armin get the injection.

Yes, Levi had ensured everything had went down as it had been supposed to. And yes, despite the outrage they had caused, she could understand that Mikasa and Eren had felt upset about their friend dying. But, well. Objectively seen there never had been a question about who was supposed to get that injection. Levi had agreed with her about this as well.

Hanji felt herself sway again, the exhaustion she had held at bay until now sneaking up upon her. Yes, she had been able to rely on Levi, she thought, turning her head towards him. To be honest, she wouldn’t feel calm until that injection was finally placed and things would be safely dealt with. Erwin’s condition definitely was critical and they couldn’t afford to waste any more time now and… “Levi?”

Levi came to a halt, not turning around, continuing to show Hanji his back. He had moved away from Erwin’s side, walking towards Armin.

“Levi? What are you doing?”

“Hanji…”

“We already wasted enough time. We have to give him that injection, now, before it will be too late!” Her gaze got stuck at Erwin’s face. He already looked so pale. His feverish words caused by dreams had stopped as well. Why was everyone acting this entire time as if they had any time left to waste? With Moblit, it had only needed one short moment until his fate had been sealed. Sometimes things happened so unbelievably fast.

Finally Levi turned around, staring with widened eyes at Hanji. “Do you really think this is right? Forcing him to live through hell again?”

“…what?” Hanji wasn’t sure what Levi was trying to tell her.

Now Levi turned around fully, facing her clearly. “Dou you think this is fair? Erwin always doing what needs to be done but all he gets as thanks are accusations and people continuing to call him evil?”

Hanji felt more confused than ever. “I don’t think he minds.” Well, probably Erwin minded a bit. Or maybe even a bit much. The point was, nothing of what Levi had just pointed out was any news. It was the reality Erwin was fully aware of and accepting to deal with. This much should have been obvious to Levi as well, shouldn’t it? If you were determined to reach a goal the vile comment of strangers could be annoying but nothing to stop you from going on. Hadn’t this been true not only for Erwin but for the entire Survey Corps as well since ever?

Levi avoided his gaze, looking at Erwin, just to lower his eyes again. “It will be the same all over again. This is the chance to set him free.”

Setting him free? Setting him free of what exactly? Hanji felt a tension settle into her muscles, the attempt of her body to remain conscious despite the strain her injury was putting on her. She had problems following where Levi was going with this, she really had. “Death isn’t being set free of anything. Death is just death.” She doubted Moblit felt very free right now, wherever he was.

Levi gripped the case the injection was in stronger, holding it tight in his hand. “This could be the moment all those struggles end for him. Instead of facing another desperate battle again. Shouldn’t we let him rest?”

Realization had reached Hanji. “You want to abandon Erwin?” She felt a shocked jolt flash through her mind. This here couldn’t be happening, couldn’t it? They had just decided that Erwin would get the injection. Levi had ensured so, facing the people trying to force him to decide differently.

“Not abandon!”

“You were just talking something about fairness! Letting Erwin die instead of letting him live isn’t fair!” For what had they just went through the hassle of protecting the injection? Against people who had not relied on words but had decided raising their weapons against comrades was the right thing to do, no less!

Avoiding Hanji’s eyes Levi looked at Armin, shaking his head. “It’s not only this… we argued Erwin would be the best choice to carry out decisions, but is this the truth?”

“Huh?”

“Armin has always been capable as well.”

Hanji wasn’t hearing what Levi was just talking about. She wasn’t. “Armin always had a bright mind, I’m not denying this. But we’re talking about the leader of the Survey Corps here! Erwin has a valuable stack of experience. It’s not only about having ideas, but also about the knowledge of how to use them in the right way!”

Levi finally met Hanji’s eyes. “…well. Armin is still young. He still has time to learn.”

Hanji needed a moment to let sink in what she had just heard. “We don’t have time to spare, Levi! One way or another. Most of our comrades get eaten before they have a chance to build up experience! I don’t know if you noticed?”

Levi was struggling for words, looking conflicted. “I’m not… I’m just trying to be fair. If we have reached the basement, what then?”

“What do you mean, ‘what then’?”

“Armin and his friends have a dream about the time once we will have reached freedom. Erwin hasn’t. He has no idea what he wants to do once we have gotten to that basement. He told me himself!”

Hearing those words felt like a splash of cold water into her face. So that’s what Levi’s hesitation actually was about. Talk about fair.

“We need to think about the future as well”, Levi added.

Hanji took a deep breath. She had to; her eye injury had started to hurt terribly again. “And you think that isn’t what Erwin has been doing all this time?”

“Huh?”

“Dreams! Of course Erwin has no time to think about dreams! How could he, when he already has to make sure the present doesn’t fall apart so we have another tomorrow to wake up to?” This here was what was not fair: Erwin constantly having to make sure the moment wasn’t falling apart just for people to act like this was an easy thing to do. As if it was something anyone would have been capable to do. It wasn’t easy, at all! Hanji had witnessed it several times herself. Damn it, leading her own squad dedicated to titan research wasn’t easy and that was only a small thing compared to the responsibility Erwin had to shoulder.

Having his own team of subordinates Levi should have known this as well. He should have known better. He really should have.

Trying to order her mind Hanji made another attempt to make Levi understand what she was thinking: “And besides: Why are you putting so much weight on the fact that a detailed plan has to be here right now? We have absolutely no idea what we will find once we will have reached the basement. It could be absolutely everything! We will be forced to adapt to what’s inside of it either way. That will be the time to think about what to do next, not right now, when we’re not even sure how to actually reach the place!”

The doubt was still set onto Levi’s face but now he wasn’t avoiding Hanji’s eyes anymore. Now he was practically staring at her, a myriad of conflicting emotions gleaming up behind his eyes. “I wasn’t trying to… I was just thinking.”

“I just don’t get you.”

“Hanji?”

“I just don’t get you. Why are we talking about this? Erwin has led the Survey Corps reliably since years and is constantly proving he’s capable to do so. And now we’re discussing nonsense about some pointless dream someone else has.” Yes, pointless. Why was she supposed to care about some stupid dream someone else had? Hanji had dreams as well or at least had used to have them. Moblit probably used to have dreams as well. She wasn’t sure, she had never asked him about it in detail. And now it was too late for that, not that it mattered. What good were dreams in a world where you couldn’t be sure how the tomorrow would look like? What was so bad about caring to secure the moment? What was bad about living the way Erwin did?

Levi grimaced, the hurt he had suppressed up until this point finally settling into his eyes. “Hanji, dammit… don’t look at me like that.”

“Looking like what? I’m not looking like anything. I’m just looking.”

Levi shook his head, baring his teeth.

Hanji just kept standing there, not knowing what else to do. Ultimately it was Levi who had the authority to use the injection, not her. In the end she could do nothing to help Erwin.

Levi groaned, giving Hanji one last look. Then he briskly set himself into motion, walking back to Erwin. “Fuck it! Fuck it all!”

Continuing to swear under his breath Levi got the injection ready, giving it to Erwin.


	2. Back in Control

There was a blast and a flash of blending light. And noise, and heat. All of this happened in only a few seconds but at the same time already felt somewhat familiar: So far everything resembled the circumstances of Eren turning into a titan. 

But that’s where the similarities already ended. Hanji’s next thoughts were how different Erwin's titan form was to Eren's; the comparison insisting to be made for the simple fact of how familiar she had gotten with Eren's.

Eren's titan tended to bristle with energy, constantly giving off the impression he lacked the patience to stand still, seemingly to be driven by the urge to keep moving, no matter the circumstances. There was nothing of that restless nature to be found in Erwin's.

Levi leaned towards Hanji, his sight never leaving Erwin's titan form. “He's um... he is mindless right now, yes?”

“Until he'll have eaten Berthold, yes. At least that's how this here is supposed to work” Hanji confirmed, immediately understanding what Levi was hinting at. Common titans usually lacked the expression of clarity on their face that Erwin's titan was showing. Unless they were an especially odd exemplar of the abnormal type. And it wasn't only the look on his face: The entire demeanour his titan was showing possessed a systematic drive that seemed so unlike from most of the countless common titans she had happened to encounter during the Survey Corp’s expeditions outside of the wall. 

Well, maybe it felt just cautious, taking into account Erwin had gotten the injection while critically injured. Or maybe the explanation was much simpler: There had been clear differences in temperament between Sonny and Bean as well. 

Erwin's titan came to a halt, letting his gaze wander, as if he was trying to figure out where he was and what he was doing. 

Hanji felt an icy cold shiver crawl down her spine. For a long and awful second she was certain Erwin's titan would just ignore Berthold, who was already placed conveniently in front of him, instead beginning to show the unpredictable behaviour of the abnormal kind and starting to do whatever it was that seemed to be most logical from a titan's point of view.

But already the next moment the titan fixed his gaze on Berthold, a relentless shadow appearing on its face. It started moving closer to Berthold, eyes never leaving him.

Until now Berthold had remained unconscious, injuries too grave and not healed up enough to gather back consciousness. But now he began to stir, opening his eyes groggily.

The titan moved closer, slowly, systematically, noticing no one and nothing but his prey.

Berthold had fully woken up by now, eyes widening in horror. “No!”

The titan kept his gaze fixed on Berthold, extending his arm towards him.

“No! Please, don't!”, Berthold screamed, fidgeting around but still being too injured to move. The fact aside ropes were now holding him into place.

Appearing indifferent to his pleadings the titan grabbed him, lifting him up from the roof.

“Stop this! Jean! Connie! Please, help me! Anyone! Please!”

But Jean and Connie kept standing frozen in place, witnessing the scene in front of their eyes with a firm terror holding their bodies in its grip. Finally Connie let hear an upset sob, turning his face towards Jean who looked just as horrified. 

The titan didn’t care for them, having eyes for no one but Berthold. 

Hanji forced herself to not avert her eyes. For several reasons. Berthold might have been an enemy to mankind but having sentenced him to being eaten... Hanji knew the phrase “I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy” but until today she had not realized what the expression meant. Not fully.

But most importantly she kept looking because Erwin did not deserve to be left alone with this.

Berthold's screams stopped, so briskly and suddenly that the silence felt painful in her ears.

It was funny, no matter how many times she had witnessed humans getting devoured by titans, the sight never had lost its dread. That probably was a good thing. Not getting desensitized to the sight, it had to be a good thing. Most likely.

Hanji felt her knees getting weak. She took a step to the side, balancing out the instability the dizziness in her mind was causing her. While she was still fighting to regain her balance, she decided that it was the wound on her face that had caused this temporary weakness. Next to her Levi glanced at her, shortly, immediately looking at Erwin's titan again.

Whatever effect eating a shifter titan had on common ones, it appeared to influence them quickly. It couldn't even have been a minute since Berthold had been devoured when the expression on the titan's face turned absentminded and its body started to be engulfed by steam. 

Hanji addressed Levi: “Get ready. Those are the signs the titan form is about to vanish. Maybe we'll have to help him getting out; the connecting tendons sometimes stick when there was a disturbance during the time spent in transformation.”

“Guess eating the Colossus Titan's host counts as a fucking big-ass disturbance then”, Levi sighed, eyes focused and never leaving the titan while talking.

But the tendons didn't stick. When they had reached Erwin, he was unconscious but otherwise appeared to be fine. Levi hoisted him up, look of tense concentration never leaving his face. Hanji tangentially got aware of the disappearing remains of the titan around them. The next time Erwin would transform his titan form would look completely different from what they had just seen now.

Hanji looked at Erwin's face. He still was unconscious, yes, but already looking much better from before he had gotten the injection. His right arm was back as well.

Erwin’s right arm was back, just like that. As it had never been bitten off to begin with. It was the moment Hanji was truly hit by the realization of what had just happened.

Trying to focus on the task of the moment Hanji shook her head, helping Levi to get Erwin out of the titan. She wouldn’t feel calm until the three of them had left the ground again and were located some place higher, the old habit of countless expeditions graved deep in her habits. And they still had to get him up on the wall as well, the point highest and with that at least for the moment, safest. Feeling her strength leaving her muscles Hanji began to inwardly curse. Why had she had to get injured now of all times? 

There was the sound of someone with 3-DMG approaching and the next moment Floch was standing next to them. He looked at the state Erwin was in and then at Hanji, looking like he hadn’t realized until now that she was dealing with an injury grave enough to restrict her. “You still need to move him. I’ll help.”

Levi raised his eyebrows: “Suddenly so eager?”

A shadow laid itself over Floch’s face. “Suddenly. I went through the effort of carrying him back. I meant what I said, I want him to survive and get better again. Otherwise he won’t experience the full agony of what it means to be alive in this world. It’s only fair he uses his skill to continue leading us.”

“Go on then and lend us a hand here”, Levi said, face having become empty, the tone in his voice unreadable. 

Hanji too did the sensible thing of accepting Floch’s offer, trying to suppress her reluctance. Floch had continued calling Erwin a devil, she still hadn’t forgotten about that. 

And the habits in her system hadn’t forgotten what relief it was to be located at a point up high when outside the walls. Now the four of them had reached top of the wall Hanji felt a tension leave that had held her in its grasp this entire time. 

She was beginning to feel so tired. But she still couldn’t rest, not with Erwin still unconscious. Focusing on the task at hand she kneeled down next to him, folding together her cape so he had something to rest his head on. 

Silently watching her Levi was beginning to look more and more undecided. “You’re injured as well. Don’t overexhaust yourself.”

“I’m done here in a minute.”

“Actually, I think you should use the opportunity and lie down for a moment as well. You lost a lot of blood.”

Hanji felt herself pause. The idea of leaving Erwin’s side felt fundamentally unappealing. There was a part in her inner core still on alert, still feeling restless. And her mind was beginning to list reasons why feeling cautious was currently the right thing to do.

Floch, who had silently witnessed their exchange until now, cleared his throat. “I can stay on watch if you need to lie down for a moment.”

Hanji looked up, meeting his eyes, feeling like her reluctance grew stronger. Floch was the person who had called Erwin a devil, literally. 

“I meant what I said”, Floch, continued. “I want Commander Erwin to live and I want him to get well again. It’s the only way he will experience his punishment of living in the desolate place this world is.” Floch, lowered his gaze, adding in a quiet voice: “Besides, he’s the right person to lead the Survey Corps. That’s still his duty towards us. I won’t let him escape from this.”

“I see”, Hanji sighed, not knowing what else to say. Floch meant what he said, he really wanted Erwin to get better, fuelled on by his own twisted reasoning. But the sentiment was still genuine. 

Levi had become quiet, silently glaring at her. From his look she could tell he felt offended it was Floch who had succeeded erasing some of her doubts while Levi’s attempts had amounted to nothing. 

But what was she supposed to think? That was the reality she now found herself in, after everything she had deemed to be stable and reliable had collapsed cruelly around her not even an hour ago. 

Floch, who made no secret out of the fact he despised Erwin, wanted him to live. Levi, who claimed to care for Erwin, had been ready to abandon him. And everyone else had been ready to abandon Erwin as well, not speaking up and doing nothing while silently witnessing and thus enabling how Eren and Mikasa had went against command and had tried to force their superiors to do what they had wanted. Ironically out of the newbies’ bunch it had been Floch again who had been the only one speaking up in Erwin’s favour back then.

And yet everyone ignored the gravity of this situation, acting as if it didn’t properly count due to some special reason no one cared to explain to Hanji. 

Levi silently huffed, averting his eyes from her. “Don’t you trust me anymore?”, everything in his demeanour wordlessly seemed to ask. 

And it was good that he had asked. The question had made Hanji realize she didn’t trust anyone with Erwin’s safety anymore.


	3. Light in the Black

Everything around him was still dark but the situation was beginning to feel vaguely familiar, though Erwin couldn't say why that was. All he could say was that his body as well was his mind were feeling sluggish, making it hard to think. He tried moving, but that appeared like an unfathomable task at the moment as well, with how heavy and devoid of any strength his muscles were feeling.

There was bristling noise around him, getting clearer the more time was passing. He realized that the noise were voices but in the déjà-vu of a realisation Erwin got aware that he didn't understand what they were saying. The only thing he could tell for now was that the voices sounded familiar.

He really should have tried to open his eyes but the prospect felt cruelly exhausting as well.

A gentle warmth touched his head, and someone adjusted whatever object his head was resting on.

Of course, Erwin was lying down somewhere, wasn't he?

He could not recollect how much time had passed since he had been lying in this half-awake state of mind. But eventually his exhaustion began to slowly vanish, until moving felt like a bearable task again.

Erwin opened his eyes.

Now it truly felt like he had left that dreamlike state behind, awareness fully returning. His first thought was that he was lying somewhere outside, obviously, as over him was the vast blue of the open sky. His second thought was that he had to be located somewhere on the wall. Well, that certainly explained why the surface he was lying on felt so hard.

He heard Hanji's voice before he saw her face: “Erwin! You're awake again, finally!”

“What happened? And how long have I been...” ‘And how long have I been sleeping?’, Erwin had wanted to ask. But turning his head and seeing Hanji's face, the question got stuck in his throat. There was a bandage over her face where previously hadn't been one. His memory might have been a bit hazy but he was certain about that.

Surprise spread over her face, not quite succeeding to erase the deeply seated worry placed on it. Her hand went up to her face, hovering over the place the bandages were covering up her left eye. “It's... that's not important right now. I just got a scratch while getting caught up in a blast.”

Erwin wanted to object but at the same time didn't know what to say. Her injury didn't look like a mere scratch.

“Don't believe a word of what she's saying. She lost her eye in that blast.”

Reluctance gleamed up behind her gaze. “Levi... that's not important right now.”

Levi stepped closer, his gaze fixed on Hanji. “No sense hiding the truth about that.” He came to a halt, shortly meeting Erwin's eyes, just to look away right away again. “And how are you feeling?” 

Tired. Confused. Devoid of any strength. “A bit exhausted, I guess.” Erwin tried to sit up but his attempts were stopped by Hanji.

She shook her head. “Don't! Take it slow for now.”

Now Erwin was truly beginning to feel confused. He had missed some important things in the while he had been unconscious, hadn't he?

He wanted to ask as much, but then a high-pitched noise rendered him speechless. He needed a moment to realize it had been a scream.

Mind still feeling lagged he turned his head towards the source of the uproar. At a point farther away on the wall it was Eren who had broken out into tears. His puffy face and swollen eyes were telling that it was the restrictionless kind of sobbing of someone who had already calmed down from a previous outburst, just to lose his composure again. 

It was the kind of sight Erwin had gotten familiar with all too well during his years in the Survey Corps. The only thing feeling off about the occurrence was that Eren had fixed his gaze on him, eyes aflame with unhidden hatred.

Alarmed by his outburst Mikasa had stormed to his side, attempting to calm him down again. Her own face showed signs of recently shed tears as well, raw emotion setting into her face while trying to calm down Eren. 

Erwin felt his confusion grow. How long had he been unconscious? Judging from how low the sun was already standing, it must have been quite some time. He already wanted to ask but then he felt himself rendered speechless once again. Next to him Hanji and Levi were exchanging looks. Heavy looks.

The unrest kept spreading. Next to him Erwin could hear a groan and only now he realized that another wounded person was lying next to him: Sasha, another new member coming from the 104th. “...make them stop... please, somebody make the noise stop already”, she moaned, appearing absentminded and practically unconscious even while talking.

Agitated by Eren’s outburst Mikasa turned her head, glaring at Erwin: “Armin would still be alive if it wasn't for you!”

The accusation had come unexpected but it had finally delivered some clarity. So, that's what must have happened then: The closest friend of those two hadn't survived the operation. It wasn't the first time Erwin got blamed for causing someone's death and it wouldn't be the last time.

What was unusual though was the sharp reaction Hanji was showing next to him. She huffed, bristling with energy, the hesitation that had held her and Levi in its grasp until now erased. “They're still going on about that. I will talk to them.” With this she was already moving away, towards the source of the noise.

Erwin just stared after her. He looked up to Levi. “She shouldn't move. Her injury looks to be serious.” It really did. A lost eye might have sounded like something easy to deal with but Erwin knew that not to be the case at all. He had seen people die from the blood loss this kind of injury could cause. 

Levi shrugged his shoulders, looking at Erwin just to glance away again, towards where Hanji was going. “I keep telling her but she won't listen.” For a moment Levi looked undecided, as if he was about to step closer to Erwin. But then he stayed where he was, continuing with a lowered voice: “Moblit died in that blast she got caught in. While protecting her from the worst of it.”

The words stood in the space between them, leaden and heavy.

Erwin took a deep breath, trying to clear his head. He leaned up on his elbow, trying to look Levi into the eyes. And that was the moment he realized that, well. There was an elbow to lean on. His right arm was there again. As if it never had been severed in the first place. Erwin felt himself breaking out in a cold sweat, telling himself it was due to the exhaustion still set so firmly into his body. He looked at Levi, desperate to meet his eyes. “How long have I been out? What happened?”

Levi froze into place. He finally turned his head, staring for a long time at Erwin before answering: “Let's wait for Hanji to return before we start talking about that. I think she can explain the mechanics of it much better than I can.”

Their conversation was interrupted by another sudden noise. At the point farther away on the wall, still staying next to Eren, Mikasa had sprung up to her feet, screaming at Hanji: “You should have chosen Armin! He would have been just as capable, if not much more! Look how Eren is suffering because of you!”

Next to Erwin Sasha started sobbing in agony, pressing her hands over her ears: "Please, somebody make the noise stop already! Anything but the noise! Please!”

Erwin felt a tense unrest gripping his muscles, making him slightly shudder. Something was off, something had turned truly off in the time he had been unconscious. This much was obvious. And the fact everyone seemed to avoid explaining to him what that ‘something’ was did nothing to erase Erwin’s bad feeling about the matter. 

Erwin looked up at Levi with questioning eyes but he was already avoiding Erwin's gaze again, gaze fixed at a point far into the horizon beyond the wall, at the foggy area where the earth met the sky.


	4. Killing Ground

The screaming had stopped. So had Sasha's quiet sobbing. The only sound that could be heard right now were Hanji's explanations, with the occasional dry comment Levi would add.

Erwin only listened, too shaken to ask any questions. What was there to ask anyway? His arm was back, vivid reminder of what had happened, even though Erwin had no memory prior to... well, around the point he had decided the remaining members of the Survey Corps would ride a full-frontal attack towards the Beast Titan so Levi would have a chance to slay that thing.

But despite not being able to remember Erwin had gotten the injection. He had already turned into a titan. And then, apparently, had ensured he would have control over his mind the next time he would be doing so by... by…

“Have I really eaten Berthold?”

Hanji went still, rendered silent by Erwin's sudden question. She took a deep breath, thinking. “Well, your titan did, yes.”

“Isn't that the same thing?”

“That's, well... debatable”, Hanji said.

Next to her Levi, who had been silent until now, huffed: “Debatable! Of course it’s the same thing.”

A frown set on Hanji's face. “Not 'of course'. Titans get controlled by people, yes. But unlike with pure titans, the actual body of a titan shifter seems to remain whole and unaffected, the connecting tendons to the titan's body aside. We could see that clearly with Eren and with the shifter controlling the female titan.”

“You still call her a shifter, see?”, Levi pointed out, shrugging his shoulders. He raised the palms of his empty hand, trying to interrupt Hanji's incoming objections. “It's not like it matters. This isn't what Erwin's question was about, wasn't it?” He looked at Erwin. “You feel bad about having eaten Berthold, is it that?”

Erwin didn't know what to say to this. Of course he was more than aware of the damages Berthold had caused while in his titan form. And yet. Knowing he had ended his life by eating him? There was no triumph attached to this realization, no satisfaction. 

“You had no choice”, Hanji finally said, stepping closer. 

“She's right. And we couldn't afford to lose the power attached to him. Or risking for it to fall into the hands of the enemy”, Levi added.

Erwin just nodded. It all sounded logical. But that also meant… well... “So, now that I've eaten the Colossal Titan... “

“It means you are the Colossal Titan now”, Hanji clarified, a sombre shadow setting over her face but her gaze never leaving Erwin's face.

“That sounds... complicated”, Erwin finally said. It had to be.

Levi silently huffed, taking a step aside.

The expression on Hanji's face turned resolute. “We have collected knowledge about titan shifters, thanks to Eren. This will help us lots. We can do this.”

Well, that was... if Hanji said that, things no longer sounded so bleak. It was Hanji after all, who would have had the knowledge about the technical side of the issue if not her?

Hanji continued: “And that’s exactly why it is indeed important to find out in research if titan shifters become the titan or are simply attached to it and controlling it”, she said, giving Levi a sideway glance. “It’s those details that matter.”

And either way, regardless if he minded or not: Erwin just had to find a way to deal with the situation he found himself in. There wasn't anything he could do about it right now anyway. He sat up further, straightening his back. “So much for the situation at hand then. It's time we continue with what we came here for to begin with.”

Hanji's eyes widened. “You're still under a strain from your transformation. You have to take it slow for now.”

“I'm feeling much better already.”

“Hanji is right. You were out for some time, you know? The best would be for you to stay here entirely”

Despite still feeling fuzzy in his mind Erwin felt his reluctance rise. They had worked so hard for this moment, to reach this mysterious basement. And now when it came to finding out what secret it had been holding this entire time Erwin should just continue to sit around? “I'm feeling much better, honestly.”

“Still...”, Hanji looked undecided.

“We've lost enough time already. Now that the opportunity is here we should use it. As long as we still can”, Erwin announced, standing up.

Hanji sighed. “At least promise to tell us right away if you start feeling worse again.”

“Promised.” Erwin suppressed a groan. “Same with you though. Your injury looks to be serious.”

“Tell her! I told you she won't listen!”

But as it turned out the biggest hurdle to reach the basement was neither Erwin's nor Hanji's physical state.

Eren glanced up from the spot he was still sitting on the floor, defiantly staring at Erwin. “What good is reaching the basement any longer? Now that Armin is dead?”

“Eren...”

“We had promised each other to reach it together and now he isn't here!”

Hanji stepped closer, a weary fog spreading over her face. “We went over this already. The chain of command reached their decisions and now it’s time to follow it. Even if it feels hard. That's what being a member of the Survey Corps means.”

Eren lowered his gaze, angrily shaking his head. 

Erwin spoke up. “We have to go as long as there's still daylight around. Before we miss our chance.”

“I understand the two of you are feeling down. But securing the content of this basement is important for all of humanity. We can't waste this chance”, Levi added.

Mikasa huffed, glaring at him. “The nerve you have to say that now! You shouldn't have wasted the injection then! Armin was vital for humanity’s survival as well! How many times came he up with ideas that helped us?”

“Fewer times than Commander Erwin did. We already went over this.” That had been Hanji speaking. Her voice had been calm. Too calm. One good look at her face made it apparent she was withholding the irritation beginning to brood underneath. “We aren't asking you. This is an order.”

Mikasa kept staring at her, wordlessly. Eren held his gaze to the ground. “I'm not going.”

“Dammit, Eren. Don't be so egoistical.”

Everyone turned around. It had been Jean talking, one of the new recruits who had been in the same trainee corps as Eren. Since when had he been standing there?

Eren snapped his head around. “Egoistical? Armin just died! While trying to protect us! Don't you care?”

A gleaming shadow laid itself over Jean's face, an odd mix between annoyance and grief. “Dammit, of course I care. Stop implying I don't.”

“How can you go on as if nothing happened then? You're heartless!”

A hurt gleam showed up behind Jean's eyes. “That's not the question here. You know, it's the truth, there are a lot of people's hopes depending on what we will find in that basement.”

“We don't care anymore”, Mikasa declared. Eren only nodded in agreement.

Now Jean truly was beginning to look annoyed. He shortly glared at Mikasa but when he stepped closer it was Eren he addressed: “When I say depending on it, I mean it! Connie...” Jean paused, continuing with a lowered voice: “You know, Connie hardly ever mentions it these days but he's hoping whatever is down in that basement will reveal a clue how to help his mother. Who knows, maybe there really is a way to turn her into a human again.”

“We don't care anymore”, Mikasa insisted after a moment of hesitation, her voice monotone and tired.

Eren was still meeting Jean's gaze, face turning thoughtful. “Connie really misses his mother, doesn't he?”

“Of course he does.”

Eren lowered his eyes, for a long moment staying silent. “Fine. I'll do it”, he declared, standing up from the spot he had crumbled up upon until now.

Mikasa looked surprised. “Eren?”

“For Connie.” Eren turned his head, glaring at Erwin, then at Hanji and Levi. “Don't get the wrong idea. I'm only doing this for Connie's sake.”

Levi grimaced, appearing to have a pile of comments ready for that one but having decided keeping silent was the wiser decision to not shake this brittle truce.

Erwin turned his head, looking at Hanji. Judging from her demeanour she had in the meanwhile reached the end of her patience and he knew all too well how that had the potential to look like. Eren would have moved towards that basement either way today. But Erwin was glad that at least for the moment there was no more arguing and shouting involved.


	5. Pictures of Purple Skies

Erwin gripped the notebook, the first of three. The information hadn't quite sunken in yet.

Hanji kept looking through the second one, Levi peeking over her shoulder: “...considered to be a race of demons... banished to this island with the goal of keeping the innocent part of humanity safe...”, she mumbled, reading Grisha Jaeger's notes.

Eren seemed to listen but at the same time seemed to be unable to tear his attention away from the picture he was holding, the one showing his father with his previous family. Erwin glanced at the small boy sitting amongst his parents this so called photography was showing. He had already seen the note where Dr Jaeger had mentioned what had happened, that the child had eventually snapped under the ruthless burdens his parents had put upon him and hat revealed their activities to the authorities with the goal to ensure his and his grandparents' safety.

So, not quite alike but a bit similar to the misfortune Erwin had brought upon his own father. At least the older Jaeger son have had the reason of defending himself. Erwin though? Why had things come that far again?

Not for the first time Erwin asked himself why his father had never made it clearer to him that he shouldn't have started talking about the world beyond the walls with strangers. And that it would have been especially important to hide that the source of those speculations had been his own father. 

Had he assumed those conditions would be a clear given to Erwin? Assumed it would have been understood talking to the wrong people meant certain death? Whatever his assumptions had been, they had been wrong and his son had failed him, Erwin thought, feeling an old piece of guilt flare up, hot and sharp 

Whatever the reason had been, it was too late now. His father was gone and wouldn’t come back. 

And yet... Erwin looked at the notebook in his hands. His father had been right this entire time! There were in fact people beyond the wall! Lots of them, entire millions! It was Erwin's fault his father had been killed, but the actual reason the authorities has wanted him dead was because he had suspected the truth about the matter!

“What are you smiling like this?”

Erwin looked up. It had been Levi addressing him, a critical scowl set across his features.

Erwin held his gaze, realizing that yes, he was grinning widely but not seeing any reason to suppress the expression. “My father had been right this entire time. There are other people beyond the wall. We have been lied to, all of us living in these walls.”

“Apparently”, Levi said, sneering at the notebook Hanji was still holding. “This and you're the same disgusting guy as ever”, he added, glancing into Erwin's direction but not quite looking him into the eyes.

As an answer Erwin just shrugged his shoulders, smile on his face not faltering in the slightest. All this time he had been right with his speculations. More important, in its consequence this meant his father had been right all along. People could call them names or downright murder them, they had been right this entire time.

Witnessing this exchange Mikasa and Eren just stood there in bafflement. Right, they had wanted Armin to get the injection, not Erwin. Another, new issue to receive blame for, Erwin realized, but at the same time didn't know what to do with this information. Today a bit too many facts had happened he had been forced to react towards one way or another. 

Hanji closed the notebook she was holding in her hands, face unreadable. “It's getting dark. We should ensure we have everything valuable with us. Eren, this hidden drawer aside, is there some other place valuable items could be?”

Eren looked at the opened drawer and then at the picture in his hand. He even looked too baffled to realize he was still supposed to pout when confronted with Hanji and the others. “I don't think so. I'll have another look around to make sure of it, but the rest in here really just seems to be the stuff Dad needed to treat patients.”

As it turned out there was nothing of value left in the basement. Nothing but three notebooks holding an unexpected truth and a photography proving Grisha Jaeger's life had been based on lying to the people closest to him, including his own son.

When they had reached their temporary base on the top of the wall the sun was already setting. Taking the exhausted state of everyone left alive into consideration it would be most sensible to rest for the moment being and leave before the first light of the new day would have reached them.

Erwin was still looking through the notebooks, realizing he felt a leaden tiredness approach but unable to care.

Eventually Hanji practically forced him to switch his attention towards of the meagre rations they had left, cautiously putting away the material they had found in the basement into a bag. "We'll have plenty of time to analyse this once we'll have returned. For now we should eat."

Erwin already had an objection ready but the deeply settled exhaustion on her face rendered him silent. “Fine. I'll stop for the moment”, he said, taking a bite of hardtack, trying to prove to her he meant it.

His attempt to set her mind at ease seemed to have worked, at least partially. A tired smile showed up on her face and the next moment she was sitting down next to him. “You would have continued to read, not eating anything if I would have kept quiet.”

Erwin paused. Lying to her felt out of question. “Yes”, he simply admitted, shrugging his shoulders.

Floch, who until now had silently sat some way further apart from them, turned his head, addressing Erwin. “You really are a demon after all.”

For a moment Erwin paused, feeling caught unprepared by getting confronted with this expression. Then he felt a smile spread over his face and he had to laugh, calmly and silently. Demon. “Apparently all of us are.”

Floch's expression got confused. “...I think I don't understand.”

Erwin made an effort to let his face appear serious again. “You'll understand once we make public what was in that basement.”

“I see”, Floch said, puzzlement on his face leaving to make room for a tense alarm that had nothing to do with Erwin's smile.

Hanji had witnessed their exchange in thoughtful silence for far too long. Erwin wasn't surprised hearing her speaking up: “It was Floch here who carried you all the way back from the battlefield, did you know that?”

Right, Erwin had heard something of that kind earlier but in the turmoil with everything that had taken place once he had woken up had already forgotten about it. “I see. Thank you, Floch.”

Floch stared at him, opening his mouth but closing it again, not making any sound despite seemingly trying to search for words.

“He also was among the people who wanted you to get the injection. Determinedly so.”

Floch had went completely frozen by now. No longer able to hold Erwin's gaze he helplessly glanced at Hanji, eyes full with silent accusations.

Erwin wanted to say something but before he could do so Floch had found his voice again: “I did it out of a good and logical reason! It wasn't a coincidence I called you a demon earlier, it wasn’t supposed to be an insult, exactly. I want you to live so you can take responsibility for leading our comrades into certain death.”

Hearing this Erwin only nodded. He had sensed since some time something of that kind must have been the matter here. Floch wasn't the first person to call him a demon and he wouldn't be the last one.

Floch looked towards Connie who was tending to a barely conscious Sasha. She had woken up since a while now but seemed to be dealing with a nasty concussion. “I’ll look if Connie needs my help or something”, Floch announced, standing up. Before he went over he glanced back at Erwin, adding in a lowered voice. “Besides, it was the most rational decision to let the person with the most experience and accomplishments get the injection. I don’t know why that was ever even up for debate.” With this he left, leaving Erwin and Hanji alone. 

Erwin silently looked after Floch. “He is more of the direct kind, I see.”

Hanji shrugged her shoulders, taking a bite of her own hardtack. “He’s honest. That makes certain things easier.”

“I wasn’t complaining.”

“You weren’t? You should! He called you a demon”, Hanji said, sounding surprised. 

Erwin lowered his gaze, smiling bitterly. “According to Dr Jaeger the rest of the entire world calls us demons. Floch’s in good company.”

“He’s in shitty company. The rest of the world is clearly wrong in doing so.”

“I mean, you’re having a point here. But who’s going to tell them?” How to make them listen?

Hanji held Erwin’s gaze, a melancholic fog setting over her features that only had been held at bay with effort until now. “We’ll think about that. We’ll return, and then we will analyse the material and think about that.”

Erwin nodded in agreement. From the looks of it they had little choice left with that one. 

There was more hardtack and lukewarm water and then they finally got an opportunity to sleep. Erwin sighed, feeling reluctant while trying to find a comfortable position on the hard surface. “I slept all afternoon. I shouldn’t be this tired.”

Next to him Hanji tried her own best to make the spot of the wall she was lying down at resemble something akin to a bed. “You didn’t sleep. You had passed out. Of course you’re still exhausted due to that.”

Erwin went still. Dark as it was by now he could hardly see the bandages covering her wound but that didn’t change the fact that they were still there. “Probably. How’s your injury doing by the way?”

He could hear her taking a deep breath. The kind that only didn’t turn into a sigh because you suppressed it becoming one. “Honestly? Pulsating in pain. Terribly so.”

“The moment we’re back we see that you’ll get that looked at as soon as possible.”

“Sounds sensible, I think.”

Out of nowhere Erwin got the urge to take her hand and squeeze it. As a sign she wasn’t alone. As a thank you. He didn’t really know. The impulse grew stronger but Erwin didn’t move, holding on to the bag the notebooks were in instead. Reaching out in the darkness like that… it didn’t sound like the sensible thing to do. 

Sensible. It felt like Erwin had done nothing but trying to be sensible today. He tried to figure out what he was feeling about that but the only thing that had room in his mind right now was a leaden and dark exhaustion. The kind that wouldn’t get better due to sleep alone. Erwin let his gaze wander, letting it come to a rest at the familiar outline of Levi’s silhouette. He was still up, keeping watch for the time being. 

Erwin’s ponderings were interrupted by Hanji leaning up on her elbow. “Is that… are you holding the bag with the notebooks?”

“Yes. I have to keep those items safe, right?”

“You’re clutching at it like it’s a stuffed animal. For a moment I got confused and thought you had one with you.”

Erwin felt his mind lagging behind. “Why would anyone take a stuffed animal outside of the walls?”

Hanji made a content noise, lying down again. “You’re right, it would be unneeded ballast taking one with you on an expedition. It’s different at home though. I have two stuffed animals with me there.”

Right, she had. Erwin had seen them on occasions. “A cat and a dog, wasn’t it?”

“Exactly. A cat and a dog.”

For a moment he had to think, getting confused. “Why do you have them though?”

Now Hanji left the impression as if the question had completely puzzled her. “Well… the usual reason? To hold them while sleeping?”

“But… isn’t that for children? Stuffed animals, I mean.”

“It is for whoever wants to have a good night’s sleep”, Hanji said, sounding like she had to explain something basic. “Once you’re getting used to having one to cuddle with you can’t go back; it’s just too comfortable.”

Was that the case? Erwin felt like he should laugh or something but Hanji had sounded like the entire thing was a serious matter. The thing was, it actually was: As Erwin had realized over time, half of the Survey Corps suffered from sleeping problems. Or more, had used to suffer under it when there still had been a Survey Corps consisting of more than only nine people left. Erwin blinked, trying to chase a leaden feeling away that was threatening to spread across his entire chest. “I had a stuffed bunny when I was still a child”, Erwin finally said, not knowing what else to say.

Hanji stayed silent for a moment, a short moment: “And do you still have it?”

“No I… I guess I joined the military and then never thought about it anymore. With leaving home and everything.” Seriously, what had happened to that bunny? Erwin hadn’t thought about it in years, not since Hanji had brought up the issue right now. 

Hanji sighed, sounding thoughtful. “That’s a pity. I know it must sound like I’m joking right now or something but having a stuffed animal really helps when you can’t fall asleep.”

“I see”, Erwin answered in agreement, beginning to feel drowsy. 

He couldn’t say how much time had passed, but eventually he noticed how Hanji was turning around, turning her back towards him. He couldn’t say why that was, but the entire gesture left such a forlorn impression on him. His first impulse was to stretch out his hand, touching her shoulder while asking if she was feeling alright. Maybe the reality of what had happened today had caught up with her fully now: Losing her eye. Losing Moblit. Losing almost all of their comrades. 

But even while half-asleep Erwin suddenly felt doubt, getting the impression a gesture like that wouldn’t have been sensible. So he stayed quiet, instead continuing to clutch the bag with the notebooks to his chest.


	6. Ghost Division

Erwin blinked, wide awake from one moment to another. Of course, he and everyone else had fallen asleep on top of the wall. After... well, after a lot of things had happened. Most noticeable he himself getting turned into the Colossal Titan. After reaching the basement. Finally. 

There was another soft nudge at his shoulder, the reason he had woken up to begin with.

“You're really clutching this bag to you as if it's a stuffed animal. When we're home again I'll get you a real one.”

Erwin turned his head, facing Hanji. There was a smile on her face but it didn't reach her eye. Her gaze looked sad, expression filled with the sort of grief that was almost never accompanied by tears.

Erwin did what felt most sensible and tried returning the smile directed at him. “Oh? You know what: Do that. I'll let you know then if having a stuffed animal improves the quality of sleep”, he said, sitting up. He looked at the horizon. It still would be some time until the sun would rise, the light present nothing but a faint forethought of its incoming appearance.

“I'm sure the question won't be if sleep gets better but how much it will.” She followed Erwin's line of sight, looking at the faint traces of light in the east. “How are you feeling today?”

Erwin suppressed a sigh. Some days were harder to wake up to than others. “Tired but okay. I think.”

Hanji nodded, face getting serious. 

“And how's your injury?”, Erwin asked, unable to tear his gaze away from the bandages set over the place where her left eye had used to be.

Hanji grimaced. “Hurting like hell but it will work out until we're home again.”

There was a shuffling of steps, the sound of Levi coming closer. “The more reason to leave as soon as we can. Hanji, when we're moving, you're going to tell me in case you're starting to feel worse, before you'll fall off the horse.” He nodded towards Erwin. “Same case with you.”

Erwin just nodded in agreement, trying to ignore the tense looks Hanji and Levi had just exchanged.

But in the end things went well for a change and their journey home went without bigger disturbance. 

The complicated part started the moment they were back home, ironically. 

Erwin looked up from the notebooks lying in front of him, attention caught by the door opening. “What did Dr Nebel say?”

“He looked after the wound and advised me to take it slow for the moment”, Hanji said.

Connie, who had come back with her, glanced at her with scepticism. Feeling Erwin's questioning look on him Connie looked up at Hanji: “Actually, he advised you to lie down for the time being.”

“That's the same thing”, Hanji said, giving Connie an unaffected smile. “If it really would be this serious he would have made me stay at the hospital.”

“Like Sasha”, Connie sighed, now truly looking unhappy.

“Like Sasha. Taken she's stuck at the place for the time being: Gather together the things she'll need for her hospital stay, and then go back to her, won't you, Connie?”

Connie nodded in understanding, leaving the room. Before he closed the door behind him, he gave Hanji a worried glance that practically was begging for her to take the doctor's advice more serious. With good reason, probably, in all the years Erwin had known Dr Nebel he had seen the doctor nothing but sensible when handing out his instructions. 

But Hanji must have acknowledged Connie’s worry, one way or another. The moment he had left she turned towards Erwin, the bright encouraging smile she had given to Connie turning sad. “I asked him to join my squad for good; I think he has that certain element that is just needed for titan research. He accepted.”

“I see”, Erwin said, slowly nodding. Neither Hanji nor he mentioned out aloud that with this, aside of her, Connie was the only and last remaining member of her squad. Everyone else had died.

Erwin felt like maybe he should have mentioned Moblit in some way but then stayed silent, not knowing what to say. The truth was, sometimes staying silent was the better option. Especially when a loss had been as unfathomable as this one.

So instead he mentioned the issue that for the moment felt at least somewhat productive: “I'm halfway done sighting the content of the notebooks for now.”

“Writing a report for this will be fun.” Hanji sighed, sitting down at the table, facing Erwin. The bandage over her eye was now a medical one, its clean and professional appearance erasing a bit of the gnawing worry for her in Erwin's mind.

“Writing it will be a pain, yes. But you shouldn't worry about that for now. Why don't you do what the doctor advised you to and lie down for a bit?”

“I'm feeling okay, honestly.”

Erwin shook his head, worry not lessened by her remark.

Hanji's expression went thoughtful. “I'm going to lie down in a moment, promised. But first let's have a look at this. Deal?”

“Deal. For the promised moment and not a second longer.” Better than nothing. 

Erwin’s attention fell at the notebooks in front of him again, suppressing a groan. “It’s just the way it appeared at first sight: The outside world views us as a threat. Adamantly so. I couldn’t see any signs of allies.”

Hearing this Hanji’s face went unreadable. “Not even for the… what’s our race supposed to be called again?”

“Eldians.”

“Not even for the Eldians living in the outside world?”

“Found no clues of this in the notes so far. Only the remark that there are places Eldians are getting treated worse and that there are places where circumstances for them seem to be comparatively bearable.”

“How encouraging”, Hanji huffed, folding her arms in front of her chest. Her sight wasn’t leaving the stack of notebooks, glaring at it. “And they are all just scattered across different places?” There isn’t a nation Eldians have for themselves?”

Erwin shook his head. “Aside from this very island? Nothing.”

“Well, that complicates things”, Hanji sighed.

“We are also several centuries behind the outside world, looking at the technical development side of things.” It was important to be straightforward with all the facts. “One of the reasons it will only be a question of time someone in the outside world will deem it to be a good idea to go and try seizing the resources on this island, as Dr Jaeger mentioned.” 

“I imagine they would.” Hanji was still glaring at the notebooks. “Overall we’re at a disadvantage and the outside world will be aware of this.” 

“They will.” Erwin felt a restless fog settle into his chest, a directionless buzz distracting him from thinking too deep about the losses the Survey Corps had just suffered. Or more, was distracting him enough for the moment to ponder about it. The thought eventually would settle in, the moment nothing was here to keep his mind busy anymore, Erwin could already feel the incoming signs. But for now he had to focus on how to manage the circumstances they found themselves in: “But we have two advantages: These notes are giving us valuable knowledge. And as of now we not only have Eren’s titan but the Colossal Titan on top of that.” Yes, most of all the Colossal Titan had to be viewed as an unexpected but welcome weapon they’ve had gained. The fact it was Erwin who had to learn how to handle this weapon was a detail. He just had to get used of how to do it, that was all.

Hanji looked up, away from the notebooks, gaze set on Erwin. The expression on her face looked slightly startled. “The Colossal Titan… yes”

“I will need to learn how to control it.”

Hanji straightened her back, sitting up tensely. “We have experience with the matter, thanks to Eren’s titan. Keeping in mind what we have seen of Berthold controlling his titan, there are reasons to assume that there also will be differences though.”

“But it’s a start.” The inner unrest in Erwin exploded, for a reason he couldn’t pin down, a subdued panic taking him in its grip the moment he had heard Berthold’s name. Probably just his tiredness catching up with him. If he kept talking, he would get control back over himself again: “But it’s a start, right?”

“It definitely is”, Hanji confirmed, her gaze never leaving Erwin’s face. 

Seeing a clear concern setting on her face Erwin heard the words leaving his mouth before he had even decided that he wanted to say something: “But the details for that can come later. First we make sure you feel better again; you shouldn’t be up right now to begin with.” It would be Hanji shouldering the weight of managing another shifter getting used to his new titan. There was no excuse burdening her with this task as long as she was still feeling the strain of her injury. 

Hanji’s worry faded, her gaze gleaming up with enthusiasm (as if despite herself): “I already have some concrete ideas for how to manage your titan though!”

“And you can think further about those ideas while following Dr Nebel’s instructions and getting some rest”, Erwin said, standing up from the table they were sitting at. “Come on, you promised to lie down as soon as I’ve told you the most important facts we know for now.”

“Already?” Hanji sighed looking reluctant but standing up as well. Looking at the notebooks, a joyless smile showed up on her face. “Fine. I will think further about this though, now that we know we’re surrounded by nothing but enemies.” 

Erwin shrugged his shoulders. “Enemies? Yes, for now.”

“Don’t tell me you already have a plan”, Hanji said, raising her eyebrows in disbelieve. 

“Let’s say a vague idea in what direction to go for now.” 

“Oh?”

Coming to a halt on the way exactly between the table and the door, Erwin started explaining: “According to Dr Jaeger it’s not only our people his home nation Marley and the countries surrounding it see as a threat. Countless relations between those different nations seem to be tense.”

Understanding started showing up on Hanji’s face. 

Erwin continued: “All we need is to find a nation that despises Marley more than it hates the Eldians. Such a country could be a possible ally for this island.”

She slowly nodded. “And if we convince them that it is more profitable to trade the resources they want from us instead of seizing them in a war… Yes, I see the direction you have in mind.”

Erwin shrugged his shoulders. “So long it’s just an idea. And we will have to stay cautious when trying to interact with the outside world. But it’s a start.” He nodded towards the door, setting himself into motion again. “But for now you need to rest.”

Hanji sighed. “You’re planning to escort me to bed or something?”

“I sure plan to. The way to your room is a long one. Imagine you’ll get dizzy after all and pass out.”

The comment managed to let a slight smile appear on her face. “Dr Nebel wouldn’t let me hear the end of it. Bumping my head on top of everything else.”

Neither would Erwin. Feeling the restlessness in his chest beginning to fade Erwin nodded, not bothering to hide he felt content having won the argument. “I’m happy you see reason.”

To this Hanji stayed silent, rolling her eyes. But at the same time the smile on her face was deepening.


	7. Fragments of Emotions

Erwin studied the books on the shelf in front of him, getting lost in thoughts completely. The last few books he had finished reading had been an interesting insight on how life inside the walls was different from how he knew things to be on the continent. Or at least in Marley. Fine, in Liberio at least.

The point was, coming to this library had proven to be a surprisingly vital help for their operation.

Everyone was trying their own way. Annie have had the unique chance to reach the inner wall and do undercover research there.

The memory of Reiner gleamed up in front of his inner eye, how the other day he had been joking around with Eren, and later had helped Connie along during close-combat training. This ability to gain the trust of their fellow comrades was useful as well. It seemed to come naturally to Reiner, the banter, creating the kind of atmosphere that kept any kind of suspicion at bay. Maybe it came along a bit too naturally, the genuine affection towards their comrades starting to creep into his every day behaviour. 

There was no way Reiner was forgetting about their goal, right? He too still held the wish to get things finished as soon as possible, so they could return home soon, right?

Gaze still fixed on the titles in front of him, he pretended there was no bitter taste spreading through his mouth. The next moment he had already decided that for this week he had done enough research. Today was the day he would get a novel to read or something, a book serving nothing but his personal enjoyment for once. Maybe reading this kind of content among their group would be his way to blend in and appear unsuspicious as well.

A quiet voice and footsteps coming closer snapped him out of his gloomy ponderings: “Berthold, hey!”

Berthold turned his head, away from the shelf and towards the voice: “Armin!”

Armin came closer, continuing in a hushed voice: “You're looking for something to read as well?”

Feeling a bashful smile appearing on his face, Berthold only shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve finished to last one already, so yes.”

“Already? You read so fast, wow.” The surprise in Armin's voice had been genuine, just as the subtle awe on his face.

“Not at all. I guess it's just the practice. Read a lot, start reading faster, like this.”

“Must be it.” Armin nodded in agreement. “Already know what to read next?”

“I don't”, Berthold said, minding to keep his voice silent as well.

“The one I just finished was really good. Some old myth, about a village located in the northern forest getting slowly invaded by the fair folk. Nowadays it’s suspected the village got erased by some sort of disease, and the sudden disappearance of the villagers started creating this myth“, Armin elaborated, going on with his recommendations.

Berthold continued to listen, feeling his interest grow. Armin was one of the few in their group really reading because he liked doing it instead of simply attempting to pass the time with it. One of the few sharing Berthold's interest concerning the matter instead of only listening when he was talking about literature out of politeness.

There were still traces of bile on Berthold's tongue, but looking at Armin's open face, listening to his enthusiastic voice, he felt it lessen.

Erwin’s eyes snapped open, his mind still halfway adjusted to the scenarios of the last few minutes, despite his consciousness being fully aware that what he just had seen had been only a dream. 

Hastily he sat up in bed, his restless gaze starting to wander through the room, the realization arriving that it was still only early morning. It had only been a dream, but the knowledge didn’t help calming down his heart. Everything had felt entirely too realistic, the surroundings of the library, the speed of the inner thought process of his dream personality (Berthold, it had been Berthold!) way too fast. The memory of Armin arriving in his dream flared up in Erwin’s mind again, intensifying the impression a leaden weight had settled on his chest. His gaze wandered to his hands, his own hands, truly. In the dream things had felt as if he had been a bit taller, a bit lankier a bit… well, the way you’d imagine someone tall and lanky like Berthold had used to experience the world. 

And wasn’t that the keyword here, ‘imagine’, Erwin thought, eyes fixed on the display of light and shadow on the curtains, the curtains already softly alit by the light of this newly arrived morning. Flopping back on the bed Erwin tried ordering his thoughts. Yes, admittedly, the dream had been disturbing, greatly so. But looking at the components it had entailed, thinking so was only a natural and human reaction. 

To begin, he somehow had morphed into the personality of Berthold in that dream. The explanation for this was simple: An enemy Berthold might have been, but despite of this Erwin wasn’t closing his eyes from the awareness that the motives fuelling on Berthold hadn’t been rooted in malice nor in the enjoyment to cause harm. No, the motives of those spies coming from the outside world had been much more complex, and it was in the interest of everyone they learned to see and understand their motivations in detail: You only could defend yourself and defeat an enemy if you saw them in their entire complexity as a human, developed a sense of where they were coming from. 

Erwin had tried to figure out the exact motives of those three spies since he had learned about them, so it was only natural his mind would still feel busy with the entire matter while asleep.

Erwin fixed his eyes on the curtains again, on the spots the sun was directly shining at. The fabric was dark green, a colour that didn’t appear especially appealing nor ugly. It just was. 

The last disturbing traces the dream had brought were still lingering in his mind. Everything had just felt entirely too realistic, more like a memory than something his mind had merely fabricated. Taking a deep breath, he tried to suppress those impressions of unease. Of course the dream had felt realistic. Not only had Erwin tried to understand the motivations of Berthold and the people he had arrived with, the truth was also that, well… Erwin couldn’t deny that a part of him felt immensely guilty how things had ended that day. Until now he had tried telling himself getting Berthold or Reiner as a prisoner would have been more useful for getting information than being forced trying to kill them, but this wasn’t the entire core of the matter. 

It was also the truth that he felt simply guilty his titan had eaten Berthold. He had killed him by eating him alive, and Erwin couldn’t even remember doing it. He was left with nothing but a vague awareness something big had happened in the time between his last memories of preparing to fight the beast titan and waking up hours later on top of the wall. Sometimes killing people was necessary, yes, but that didn’t mean Erwin enjoyed the prospect of causing unneeded harm and pain. And there simply could be no way getting eaten alive could be a peaceful way to die, this much was clear, even though Erwin lacked any memory of what had gone down in Berthold’s last moments. After all he had been forced to see numerous times how pitiful it looked when a titan ate a human, having lost far too many comrades to count that way. Getting eaten by a titan was a terrible way to die. The fact the titan in question had been Erwin this time obviously didn’t change that simple fact. 

Yes, that was the entire explanation for this realistic dream, the feeling of guilt demanding to get acknowledged. And it had to be due to this Armin also had appeared in his dream: Just like everyone else of the new recruits having freshly arrived, Erwin hadn’t known him more than a few months, but Armin still had been a fellow Survey Corps member who had died in battle. And frankly, the fact neither Eren nor Mikasa had made a secret they would have preferred Armin to get the injection didn’t help stopping this feeling of guilt. 

And the way the day progressed did nothing either to reduce having these memories fresh in his awareness. 

Surrounded by the thick walls of the dungeon Erwin looked at the figure sitting crouched behind the bars. “Hanji told me you regained more information concerning the outside world?”

Eren looked up, shortly meeting Erwin’s eyes just to avoid his gaze again. The demeanour seemed simply unwelcoming at first glance, but it strongly differed from his behaviour in detention until now. Had Eren so far made little secret he accepted detention for going against direct command but was still blaming the people in charge for letting Armin die, his behaviour now seemed practically cautious. 

It was the meekest Erwin had ever seen Eren and frankly, it gave him a bad feeling, a vague idea of incoming doom. (Tonight’s dream hadn’t been some kind of prophecy, hadn’t it?)

With a sigh Hanji stepped closer to Eren’s cell, addressing him directly: “Every information we gain about the outside world is important knowledge for us. It will help us in planning how to advance next. What you just shared with us is vital.” Hanji had sounded encouraging but collected. The reserved tone of her voice increased the impression of incoming disaster. Gaining information about the mechanics behind their world, knowledge helping them understand what titans where and how they functioned, it usually caused Hanji to react with unveiled excitement. But right now there was no trace of this. 

In the cell next to Eren Mikasa stepped towards the bars, looking towards the direction of Eren’s own cell. “Eren? Remember what we just decided? The more of our comrades know about it, the higher is the chance to find a solution. Right?”

Her words seemed to have succeeded breaking Eren out of his atypical stupor. He stood up from the bed he had been sitting on until now, facing Erwin and Hanji directly. “Most of what I gathered I already told Hanji. But there are issues concerning you and me directly, Commander. You need to know.”

“Out with it then”, Erwin said, holding Eren’s gaze. The realization hit him that now they truly were fellow titan shifters, a bond connecting them beyond them simply being comrades in the Survey Corps, beyond any animosity that had developed freshly due to the impossible situation of deciding who should escape death by becoming the successor of Berthold’s Colossal Titan. 

A slow hesitation seemed to grip Eren again. Holding Erwin’s gaze, he kept searching for the right words. “Right, the information I gathered. It came rather sudden. Something like this never happened to me before.” Eren scratched the nape of his neck, something about the gesture hitting home he was nothing more than a mere kid finding himself in the confinement of a cell. “The thing is… Commander Erwin. Now that you’re possessing the power of a titan: Did it ever happen to you that you saw the memory of what happened to any of the shifters who held the Colossal Titan’s power before you had it? I mean, did you see their memory, as if it had been you living through the event you just saw in your head?”

Erwin felt his body gripped by an iron tension, feeling an icy grip crawling down his spine. The atmosphere of tonight’s dream wandered into this dungeon, infecting his mind with the suffocating sensation of seeing the world through the eyes of a stranger. Berthold had been taller than him, not much, but it was the kind of thing you noticed when switching bodies. 

He heard a rustling noise next to him: Hanji turning her head towards him but staying silent. Refusing to meet her gaze he kept his gaze fixed on Eren. “Eren? Why would you deem this important?”

Faltering under the question Eren lowered his gaze, folding his arms in front of his chest. “I know it sounds silly. But I saw memories of my father, of the time he was still living in the outside world. And I saw him talking to the man who held the power of the Attack Titan before passing it down to him.”

“Attack Titan?”

“That’s the name of the titan I possess. Every titan is known under a specific name and that is the name of mine. I already told Hanji.”

Mikasa was still holding onto the bars of her cell, gaze fixed into Eren’s direction. When she started talking the worry in her voice was impossible to miss: “Eren?”

“I’m fine!” Straightening his back Eren’s look towards Erwin grew intense: “I know how that sounds. But it wasn’t a dream or anything. I saw the real and actual memories of my father, I’m sure!”

Erwin felt his shock leave, slowly. Yes, there was in fact a good possibility Eren was telling the truth. After all, he and Dr Jaeger had been directly related, wouldn’t’ that increase the possibility to pass down memories with the power of a titan? This didn’t mean that anything appearing in Erwin’s dream had been more than a dream though. No information taking place there had been any news, everything happening there had been indications he had previously possessed about Berthold’s knowledge and character. And due to his guilt this information had simply taken the form of an odd dream. 

Looking away from Erwin towards Eren, Hanji ended her silence: “Eren already told me what his -let’s assume they really are Dr Jaeger’s memories- what his memories have shown him about the outside world.” Her voice still sounded cautious, as if she was waiting for something unknown, just as Erwin did.

Mikasa glanced at Hanji, then looking at Erwin. “Eren? Tell them about what you learned about the shifters.” It had been subtle, but there had been traces of desperation in her gaze, a silent plea for help. The hope of a child that things would turn out alright again now that the adults in charge had arrived. The gesture looked so unlike anything Mikasa ever allowed her surroundings to see, additional to that a strong contrast to the blame she had put on her surroundings since Erwin had regained consciousness back on top of the wall, he couldn’t help but feel his mind getting gripped by dread. 

It was then Erwin learned how closely titans were supposed to be connected to their founding mother Ymir. How they were not supposed to carry their power longer than she had and thus were fated to die after 13 years of holding the power of their titan.

To his own surprise Erwin felt only slightly surprised, though he couldn’t deny a tight ball of fear was settling in his chest, its shape mirroring the atypical calmness Eren had displayed today. The power of a titan was a huge thing and in a corner of his mind Erwin had already estimated there was a price for it to pay.


End file.
